I Need to Calm the Butterflies

Journaling is like listening to one’s self and whispering at the same time…

It’s been awhile since I took the time to journal.  Well, to be honest, it’s not so simple.  I actually carry a beautiful white and pink journal with the words BE HAPPY on the front cover with me all the time.  At the start of the year, I bought this journal to write my intentions for the road ahead.  My initial posts began with words of gratitude and inspiration, my aspirations and visions, as well as the things that I felt I needed some guidance with.  Everything was written beautifully with fancy gel pens, carefully selected at a local art store.  The pages… decorated with lovely hearts, dots, and mandalas, exuded enthusiasm and creativity.  My words were deep with contemplation, soul-searching, and the unraveling of the thoughts in my mind.  A record of how I felt from day to day.  A physical display of the patterns in my mind from moment to moment.  Exactly what a journal is supposed to be.

Somehow between now and then my heartfelt journal deceivingly transformed itself from a very therapeutic tool for meditation and introspection to an office notebook filled with to-do lists, appointment dates, chicken scratch from meetings and mindless scribbling.  A very clear example of degradation from mindfulness to mindlessness.

My journalling practice basically flew out the window…  And so today, I decided that enough is enough and I will do something about it.

Why today you may ask?  The fact is… I NEED TO CALM THE BUTTERFLIES.

I think sometimes people think I have it all together.  Just because I own a wellness center and I teach mindfulness and meditation, people think that I have my $#!T together.  Very funny.  Just like anyone else, I go through the same realm of emotions and anxieties.  Maybe the difference is that I am able to catch myself and act when I feel things are getting out of hand.  Like now, I am writing this blog as therapy for my mind.  Like a meditation or a yoga practice, this practice of journaling allows me to focus, self-reflect and filter out what IS and what IS NOT.  Just like the practice of breathing.

Back to the BUTTERFLIES… This morning, the butterflies that were in my stomach, escaped.  They flew out in a panic because they were getting cooked alive.  They could no longer fly and their wings were sticking to my hot, sweaty body.  Flap, Flap, Flop.  It was horrible.  I have a great imagination…

So what’s really happening?  What is really causing the butterflies?

Top 3 Reasons Why the Butterflies Flopped

  1. BROKEN AIR CONDITIONER.  It is 36 degrees outside today and the AC unit at the studio shut down.  Not a good thing.  Our landlord just installed a brand new unit last year.  This should happen to a brand new unit.  As a business owner, this is very disappointing.  I do not like to let my students and clients down.  My reputation is very important to me and I never want to appear irresponsible.  The AC repair guy is going to come tomorrow morning.  It’s the best I can do on a national holiday.  I can only do my best.  Ommmmmmmmm
  2. THE HEAT WAVE.  We are currently in the middle of a most fantastic heat wave in Montreal.  This past weekend was filled with salsa dancing on the boardwalk of Sainte Anne’s, lazy days by the pool and fireworks.  Amazing, right?   Yes, but the downside is that fewer people come to the studio in the summer and this makes me nervous.  Despite the fact that I know that my business is seasonal, despite our ever-growing clientele, despite the fact that I have seen this 4 years in a row now… every year, the same nervousness comes back each summer when I see the numbers drop.  Ommmmmmm
  3. I HAVE A TEENAGER.  My son is turning 13 next month.  He is already acting like a teenager.  Last night, he did not want to go out for ice cream and fireworks with us as a family.  I was so upset.  He spent the whole day with a friend.  He had so much enthusiasm when his friend was with us at the pool or at the movie theatre where I, like a loving mom dropped them off and picked them up.  He was so bright-eyed and full of life… until the friend left.  After that,  he became grumpy,  too tired, too hot and wanted absolutely nothing to do with going out with the family.   It became a fight.  I was forcing him to go.  We were boring… and of course… the infamous statement… You just don’t get it.  I was furious and what is even more frustrating is that this is just the beginning.  Pretty soon, my boys will grow up and will want to do their own things. Ommmmmm

The Train is Coming

I read a book a couple years back called the Year of Yes, by Shonda Rhimes.  She was the writer for Grey’s Anatomy.  She said that being a writer is like putting the tracks in front of a moving train.  That spoke a lot to me.  Being a mom, a wife, and a business owner, I see LIFE as the TRAIN.  I am someone that likes to think ahead and make sure that there is plenty of “TRACK” in front of my family, my friends, my students, my team, the people I really care about.  In my mind, the train is moving really fast.  Maybe I should just tell the conductor to work on the summer schedule… since most people are on vacation.  I ought to tell him to breathe, take a break and go a bit slower.

A few hours later… 

Well, that was very therapeutic… Thank you for hearing me out.  My butterflies are now resting on a beautiful flower.  Classes were canceled for today.  I went to the pool to enjoy the hot summer day and to spend time with my family.  All three children came.  While we had to close the studio for the day, this gave me the opportunity to hang out with my boys.  The AC will be fixed tomorrow.  My teenager and I have worked things out… and well, LIFE, “the train” will continue on.

Tomorrow we are going to bury the ashes of my father-in-law who passed in December.  This thought rooted me today.  It made me remember that these things… the air conditioning,  the attendance and the mood swings of a teenager are all just little bumps on the road of life.  What truly matters in the entire journey.  All will pass.  Nothing is permanent.  Enjoy the moment.  All I can really do in the end… is be the best person that I can be and live the values that I try to instill in my own children.  I want them to be honest, kind, patient, understanding… that’s it.  There will be bumps and difficult situations, but I can only do my best with what I have.

I think I am going to go for a nice long walk this evening when the sun settles and end the day with a yoga practice.  My class got canceled tonight anyways…

Thank you for giving me the space to share with you all…




Rozel Gonzales, is the owner of the Energie EnCorps Wellness Centre in the West Island of Montreal. She is a passionate yoga and fitness teacher, speaker and entrepreneur, dedicated to helping people SHINE FROM THE INSIDE OUT.  Each day she advocates living in the present moment and taking the philosophy of yoga OFF THE MAT. A mother of 3 young boys, Rozel is proud to be the lead instructor for the 200h Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga Teacher Training at her centre, continuously developing talented teachers who are passionate about what they do and are interested in spreading the world of yoga to others.  To sign up for classes, book a massage, osteopathy or nutrition appointment or for more info on our workshops or teacher trainings, please visit our site: www.energieencorps.com HELPING YOU SHINE FROM THE INSIDE OUT!









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